Tips for the DC Weekender

I just got back to town from a sweltering weekend in our nation's capital. Of course, it's sweltering here, too, and nobody has cars or central air, so I can't say New York is much of an improvement at the moment.

Anyway, here's a handy guide for anyone planning a summer trip to Washington, DC. I hope these tips and suggestions help you discover the beauty and splendor of our great capital city.

1. The 700 pound woman riding the bus has the right to reserve an adjacent seat for her travelling companion: a large pizza pie. Just let it go.
2. Do not watch Darwin's Nightmare five minutes prior to cooking crab cakes for ten people.
3. If you're a big fan of arson, I wholeheartedly recommend the local news. Any channel will do.
4. The Washington Post puts out a free commuter newspaper each weekday. It's called the Express, and not only does it kick the Metro's ass, but it's eminently more readable, newsworthy, and impressive than the actual Washington Post. Good stuff.
5. A little something for my fellow baseball fanatics: it's strangely fascinating to discover a culture in which the Orioles and Nationals are deemed newsworthy. Don't squint at the TV. It's really them.
6. When the white gentrifying yuppies decide they NEED a fish fillet from Whole Foods, stand back and get the hell out of the way. Nothing will prepare you for the sense of entitlement displayed by this segment of the DC population. It's startling and they are to be avoided. These are the same people who think nothing of plopping down a monstrous 3-floor Target/Marshalls/Best Buy mega complex in the center of a supposedly newly desirable urban neighborhood. This is the kind of thing that doesn't go down in NYC without a MAJOR fight. But in DC they just push this shit through. This is bad stuff. Let them get their fish first. It's just easier.
7. If some shirtless dude with a garden hose invites you to hose him down, take it as a compliment. It's not like he asks just anyone.
8. There is absolutely no shade. Get used to it.
9. If you walk for half an hour without passing (or seeing) another pedestrian, do not be alarmed. Or, actually, be alarmed. I'm not sure what this means.
10. The DC Metro is like crawling back into the womb. Provided the womb can take you anywhere you want to go except Georgetown. But if you've ever been to a shopping mall, feel free to skip that part of town anyway.
11. Speaking of the Metro, I recommend acquiring an advanced degree in particle physics before attempting to figure out the ticket dispensing machine.
12. Be sure to brush up on your Supreme Court Justices. You might actually find occasion to discuss them.
13. Do not be alarmed by the absence of a glass partition between the front and back seat of a DC taxi cab. How do you know you haven't just been picked up by some random dude with a car who's going to kidnap and murder you? Um, I'm not sure.
14. If you find yourself strolling down a sidewalk strewn with bones, rest assured that these are chicken, not human, remains. At least that's what someone told me.

I hope that helps.

And now, without further ado, I give you the tangentially related, overly brilliant pop culture reference o' the day, courtesy of the highly esteemed and honourable Mike Tully. This one goes out to all you DC fans and natives. After 5 minutes or so spent struggling to describe PRECISELY just what brand of annoying two filmmakers (who shall remain nameless) happen to be, a conversation initiated by my own desire to understand just why nobody seems to personally like them (though I think their work is quite good), Mike scratched his head, pondered, then managed to summarize the depths of their souls in the space of three perfectly played words: they're "DC Black Cat" he said. Pure and utter brilliance.